Separation Anxiety! It’s a term I had often heard as I was entering motherhood. I always thought that it’s an overrated phenomenon, just the way "Terrible Two" is. I had no idea that I was going to be hit so hard by it, until it was time for Kabir to go to school. From the diary that I never wrote, here is how it unfolded...
Day 1 - I spent the entire time at school with him sitting by his side. He seemed happy.
Day 2 - I dropped him to school and let the teacher take him by his hand to his classroom. He wailed his heart out. Mine sank. He stopped crying once inside the class. I waited outside, the moment he came out and saw me; he started crying again with a "why-did-you-leave-me-alone-with-strangers" look on his face.
Day 3, 4 and 5 were the same. I was miserable.
Day 6 - A big day. I didn't drop him to school. I let him go in the school van instead, with a school teacher for company. He refused to let go off me. His teacher yanked him away, held him tight and shut the van’s door. He screamed as the van sped off. I rushed indoors – and vomited! I felt sick for the next 3 hours until he was dropped home. The teacher said he was fine in school. But Kabir started crying the moment he saw me.
This carried on till about Day 14. It took me a couple of days to realise that I was vomiting and feeling sick because I was going through (Well! What else?) separation anxiety! And I always thought that I was a cool mom, huh! I was very disturbed but tried to be strong in the face of it since I knew Kabir was going through a lot worse – a place called school (much unlike home), other equally frightened and wound up kids for friends, teachers (instead of mama), new rules and time lines to follow, new things to learn – it all must have been crazy for him!
I felt very guilty for sending him to school when he was all of 2 1/2 years old and thought several times whether it is really necessary. I remember even writing a distress mail to one of my friends to share my anxiety.
Day 15 - Kabir held his teacher's hand and ran towards the school van without any trace of anxiety on his face. I didn't throw up that day but something else, something vague, was gnawing me.
Day 16 - He ran towards the van happily and cheerfully waved goodbye. Ouch!! That hurt like someone had punched the wind out of my stomach!! All this while I had waited and prayed for Kabir to become independent. How ironic was it that I felt so bad the day he showed me the first sign of it. I thought, fighting back tears "Does he not need me anymore?" The cool mom was devastated!
With time I realized he needs me just as much. It’s just that the reasons are changing…
